Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
