I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
