genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
