Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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