I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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