She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
