That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
