I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
