I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My penis needs a shock collar
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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