I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
