I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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