i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
