He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
