my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
