I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
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Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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