I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
