i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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