I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
