i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
