yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
