I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
