Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
