I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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