We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
