I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
