man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
