Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
