My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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