what day is it and did you see me today?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
