i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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