Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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