he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
