Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
