Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
