I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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