trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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