i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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