U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
