$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i was born a porn star she said
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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