U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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