We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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