shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
