He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
