i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
