Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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