I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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