She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
