I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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