Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
