Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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