my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
