Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
