seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
