I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
