I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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