He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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