This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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