Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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