ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
