shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.