mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She needs sedatives and a leash
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.