1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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