Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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